better late than never I guess

Mothers day came and went with little fanfare in this part of the world. Oh we enjoyed it, we even went so far as to *get out of the house* and have a picnic. The weather was shit it was cold and drizzly for much of the day but hey I’ll take that over any one of the years of perfect temps blue skies and empty arms.

On a whole we don’t go in much for the commercial gift giving thing, but this year I got something incredible. What having the blobbies isn’t incredible enough? oh it is trust me it is but I also got a gift. No photos or blogging about it just yet since for now it remains one of those warm secrets you hold close without saying a word lest it be spoilt and lose it’s shine.

I’m not going to say I’m a bad blogger because lets face facts I SUCK at blogging, really can’t be arsed to spend the few minutes I get to myself during the day to sit here and type away what amounts to drivel to everyone but me.

Blobbie news, Isabella and Jack are now the proud owners of chompers, these bastid teeth have played hell with them. They are the kind that go up almost break thru and then resume their place under the gum line. Now however the blobbies are sporting pearly white finger mashers Bellabirdy has 2 bottoms ones and Jackyboy has 2 bottoms and I think 1 top one on it’s way.

Jack is commando crawling with a vengence now he’s unstoppable or would be if he could work out how to get over objects I place lovingly in his way to prevent him from you know playing with the wall  heater n stuff. Bella is well she’s a queen she can do the commando crawl with almost as much ease as Jack but she prefers to lay on her belly doing an impersonation of a sky diver and demand to be moved. LOUDLY demands to be moved. Oh wait it wasn’t the pink bouncer, the blue rocker, the jumperoo or the jolly jumper you wanted? no? it was to rest your head on the blue teddy? why didn’t you say so!

The monday after m’day we had to let our old man beej go. God that was hard, for so long he hung in there and even “appeared” to put on weight but reality was vastly different. It wasn’t weight he gained but gut rotting growths. Hairy was and is beyond sad. I wish I could have gone with him to the vets but it wasn’t to be.

Last bit of news, the blobbies have colds. Oh yeah I did the unthinkable I spoke out loud too soon. What I thought was a cold was only the lead in, as sick as they are they are still happy little munchkins for the most part. There I go again tempting fate. Is it wrong that I don’t mind they are sick and only want cuddles? I don’t want them sick but man I’m loving me some blobbie cuddle time.

hmm think thats it for news from my side of the world. thrilling stuff huh! oh yeah and we’re moving several states away from here later this year for sure. spose I should start thinking of getting rid of stuff so it isn’t a mad rush later but meh I need a few more hours of blobbie cuddling today.

Mother's Day Pic

my morning in review.

laying in a nice warm cozy bed, listening to the blobbies chatter and squeal over the monitor. “ahhhh life is good” says I. (it always starts that way huh)

sounds of LOUD banging clattering and scraping “arsehole (neighbour) your home improvements suck” mutters I, briefy consider getting dressed for the day decide the blobbies wont wait that long and just toss on a bathrobe.

wander into the blobbies room

“hello my precious girl hello my beautiful boy”
squeals laughs and raspberrys greet my appearance
“i love mornings” i coo and smile at the blobs more sounds from outside.
holy shit that sounds like the dogs.
FARRRRRRRRRRRRKING PRICK OF A FARKING FENCE
“hang on babies back in a minute” sounds of happy squeals turn into sounds of angry how dare you leave me screams times two.

check out the back NO dogs.
check out the side NO dogs
check out the front. fuck!!
“sam beej come here” “fuck this grass is cold”
“saaaaaaaaaaaam get your black arse back here you little bitch” this is while she’s romping yes romping around the nature strip (grass verge beside the road)
“SAM HERE” dutifully if not sulkily she returns to me, now the dilemma do i let her go to get beej or do i continue to freeze my feet on the grass and wonder? toss sam almost bodily into the garage “don’t bloody wag your body at me missy” (female rottie no tail so does the whole body wag to compensate)

“beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeej here boy commere buttbreath”
“beeej here boy”
“you deaf shithead OVER HERE”
“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEJ HERE NOW” drag him over to the garage, carefactor for slobber minimal my feet hurt they are so cold, man handle him inside and lock the door.
sounds of screams now at levels that could deafen a rock greet my return indoors

“come on missymoo nappy change time don’t you look lovely in your jammies” she stops screaming long enough to smile at me. nappy change for bellabirdy and back into her jammies its cold this morning get her set up with her bottle and off i go to tackle wonderbum er boy
“jackyboy my little love muffin your turn” “no jacky put the wipes down” “jackyman let the strap (device for holding blobbies to the changetable) go… no… let….it….go. jacky please. LET GO OF MY HAIR.. wow you’re a porker my boy”

back broken from picking up jackyblob who was doing his impersonation of a blue whale.
get jacky set up with his brekky bottle
take bellablobs bottle off her, burp her and return her to the bouncer
breathe in and out a few times, look down notice i’m covered in dog slobber/hair and mud. go change into another robe, phone Hairy tell him to bring wood home so the fucking side fence gate can be nailed shut.

get the blobbies farax ready jacky’s finished his milk burped and reclining in his bouncer.
“open up little birdy” good girl”
“jacky let go of the spoon”
‘jacky give.me.back.the.spoon”
“fine i’ll get another spoon” jacky proceeds to blow raspberries at the end of each mouthful, farax drool going everywhere
bellablob just eats nicely and doesnt get to wear her brekky burp and wipe up, time for nappies again pick up bellabird off we go nappy done, and into cot for a nap pick up jackyboy
“jackyman you’ve spilt your milk again your pants are soaked”
“dammit” never mind we do change hey” jacky let.go.of.my.hair. rinse repeat with nappy wipes/straps/bibs/hair/belt anything he can grab he does.
“HOLY MOTHER OF GOD” poo blow out sweet lord jackman you rotter! poo is everywhere up his back down his legs in his socks on his hands… gag… fuck on his hands.. get him cleaned up can’t find pants for him so in he goes into bella’s pink tracky pants
“i’m comfortable in your masculinity jackyboy men can wear pink”
lay him down for a nap and go search out poo marks elsewhere bouncer now sporting poo marks strip it throw it in the wash and raise hand to push hair back from my face you guessed it poo hair! what numbnuts ever said i love mornings? gonna bitchslap that cow i tell ya.

now i’m breathing in and out hair drying and wondering what else can go wrong today.

still wouldn’t change my life for the world but i could do without the poosplosions and renegade dogs.

The end of time

Ok, what fool decided ending daylight savings was a “good idea”? some twat that’s who! I bet the same twat wont have to crash tackle the alarm clock before it wakes the rest of the house up too. arsehole hope his cornflakes are forever soggy!

How am I meant to readjust the blobbies waking/feeding schedule? It’s taken long enough to get them into the groove they are in now. Wake at 8 feed at 8.30 Nap at 9.30 etc etc etc. I am NOT looking forward to getting my dimpled arse out of bed at what will 6 but really is 5am in “real time” to get Hairy off to work with his lunch made. I’m going to be a cranky zombie for a few weeks.  hell I’m already pissy about it and it’s still a couple of weeks away.

What bright spark didn’t think this through too well?

Sure the blobbies will be going to bed at what will be 7pm this is a good thing right? wrong!  that wont work because Hairy wont get home in time to bath and do the last feed of the night and that is his time with the blobbies. Yep he loves doing that with them. so it looks like the blobbies will lose out on an  hours sleep whats the bet they will be pedantic lil farts and not want to sleep an extra hour longer in the mornings. they do these things to spite me you know.

I never gave any thought to this pre-blobbies I was blissfully self absorbed but now.. now.. whole other story!

A penis haver had to have thought up this plan.

“The” DE post.

So here we are, at long last I finally get my A into G and finish off my Donor Egg post. Before I go back and scratch out everything I’ve written and rewrite it I just want to say, that these are MY feelings on the matter. If they don’t match yours well that’s fine too, I am not writing this to seek permission for how I feel, but to give another opinion on what is an incredible option for family building.

Once upon a time in a land not unlike this one, I had my I want a family meltdown. Hairy being the uber sweetheart that he is said “ok” and off we went. From word go we knew we’d need IVF with ICSI. Thank you  vasectomy that seemed like a good idea at the time. Not to get side tracked we started our cycling.

I responded like a champ with eggs retrieved by the dozens. A normal retrieval would yield between 16-28 eggs. Fert rates were none too shabby either, always sitting around the 85% mark. But and here it starts to relate to age, our Day3 haul was usually around 25% drop that down to 10% for a Day5 try. My eggs were shit. 18cycles worth of shit in fact.

Every RE we saw, and oh yes we clinic hopped 4 clinics 5 RE’s all said the same thing. Jen you produce a lot of eggs it’s a numbers game. Stay in the game long enough and we’ll hit the jackpot. Like a fool I listened, even when my heart and head were saying, Run run away try DE this cycling with my eggs is an expensive time intensive joke.

Eventually having had enough of the merry-go-round I said Enough is enough. Time to move on. Our choices were childfree or Donor Egg. Hairy was right beside me and would have happily supported my decision either way. I chose donor egg, stating it was to be only one go round, just to end this ride and resume our lives. I needed closure. We needed closure.

In Australia unlike many countries, Donors are not paid for giving up their eggs. At all. Yes we pay for the cycle and any out of pocket the donor may incur, but there is no fee to be paid to the women who do this. That is all to say that donors are generally found amongst friends and family, who else would do this for another woman for no profit? My donor was a friend R. I’d known her about 4 years at that point and she offered, I couldn’t ask anyone directly for their eggs. I spoke with another friend N and said that this was something we’d have to do if we were to have a hope of having a child. My friend N did my leg work for me without me knowing. I was lucky enough to have 2 offers come seemingly out of the blue.

R contacted me and offered me her eggs, at that point in time I wasn’t ready so I put it all on hold. 6 months later I contacted R and asked if she still felt willing to donate. She did and we started the donor dance. I traveled out of state and Hairy flew up for his bit and returned home the next day. 12eggs 10fertilised. 8 were perfect on Day2.

I did my best to talk my RE into transferring 3 embryos. No go, he relented enough to allow me 2. Both took. Am I thankful we didn’t transfer 3? You bet.

I was ill very very ill during the 2ww and ended up in hospital having gained 17kilo in just under 10days. I found out I had 2 ute dwellers at 11 Days past Ovulation when a high res ultrasound was done (sometimes I take out that film and just look at the 2 black blobs and it’s awe inspiring). I had a LOT of tests to find where the fluid was coming from. A pos beta put a stop to the more invasive and dangerous testing.

From the moment my pos beta number was given to me, these were my babies. I spent 5 months on bedrest, My body gained more fluid, I gave up having toes and legs at around 4 months. I took drugs to stop contractions from week 20 onwards. I was checked regularly by my OB and did my best to grow my babies for as long as possible. When they were born early  by emergency C/Section and I was released home, I was only here to shower and change clothes the rest of my time was spent in the NICU and later the SCN. I slept under sufferance and only because it was “good for my milk supply” my reason for breathing was to be with my babies and be there for them.

For me, Donor egg can be likened to donating blood. I have given blood and I’ve received blood, doesn’t mean I am someone else’s daughter/sister/mother, and does not make the person who has received my blood anything to me. I am alive because of that blood still doesn’t change the fact that I am my mothers daughter/brother’s sister etc.  A few cells were given to me by a friend, 2 babies resulted (lets not address the frozens in this post) they are my babies. They do not share my DNA but apparently portions of their DNA can be found in my blood. DNA is to me a bunch of numbers dots and dashes on a pretty graph. It does not define me as a mother and does not take away from the fact that these two blobbies are my babies in every sense of the word.

I read, when I have time, blogs by other DE mums, and at times, I am honestly sickened by phrases like “I still long to have MY BABIES” as tho the little lives they are raising are somehow inferior models. Part of me wonders if having such easy access to donor eggs is a bad thing. For years I knew my eggs were crap but we had no other option but to use them, 12 months of yakking with R before retrieval day gave me plenty of time to sort out any lingering doubts I may have had. And brutal honesty between Hairy and me when we spoke of this cycle ironed out the what ifs.

If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now I wouldn’t change a thing. These are my babies, my son and my daughter, giving birth to them was a bonus I honestly didn’t think I’d ever get. As I said a hail mary cycle and we got lucky real lucky.

The only time I think about their origins as donor eggs is when I speak with other DE women and that isn’t often at all. I look at these 4 blue eyes and chubby bubba bodies and hand on heart swear there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my babies. MY babies.

Keeping cool

In the midst of a heatwave what better way to cool off and guzzle down a feed is there?

bellablobby

bellablob

doodyblob

doodyblob

relax people all care was taken that they didn’t drink the bathwater or try their pudgy little hands at snorkeling.

what did you do yesterday?

I’m heartily sick of people asking what i do all day, or worse asking if I’m bored being at home. So in the interestes of  “fuck you”  here is a sample day. Yesterday to be exact. and in no precise order.

5 Hours feeding the babies

4 Hours spent with babes in arms be it rocking/soothing/reading dr seus but with an arm full of wiggly baby-goodness

1 Hour floor time split into roughly 15min stretches with tummy time etc. yes i’m on the floor too lazy cow that i am.

2 Hours washing / prepping and making the bottles sterilising various baby goods.

2 Hours washing/drying/sorting/folding laundry

1 Hour cooking and scoffing big people dinner

1 Hour house cleaning floor washing picking up toys etc.

30mins shower split over morning/evening showering includes teeth brushing etc.

5 Hours sleeping why i put this in the middle of the day is beyond me but it’s how my mind is working so just go with it.

30mins on the phone with various doctors offices and friends.

30minutes net time bill paying and reading a blog or two.

2 Hours (split) time spent with Hairy talking catching up, reading,tv. this includes bathing the babies current events go so much better when you’re being pee’d on by a soapy bubba.

30mins trying to remind myself that this too shall pass and looking for things i’ve lost, my mind not being found, I settled on seeking out the hiding spot for lost socks, eyedrops, nasal drops, lost dummies (pacis) and just about anything i thought i needed and couldn’t find.

That is a fairly typical day, bored? I know it’s tres exciting huh, but i’m not, i don’t have time to be bored. If i could have one wish it’d be for an extra 2 hours per day to just be by myself. I can’t remember what it was like to watched a whole tv episode in one go or omg soak in a bath,  because no matter what I’m doing a little person is or will be demanding attention. I wouldn’t swap my life now, I’m loving it just sometimes ya know …. time… lack of… it does impact on moods.

next week i’m going to schedule in time to shave my legs woohoo i live on the edge!

100 words

Teendoc via A woman my age has set a challenge write your life in 100 words.

Yesterday, I was born small pink and angry. Tomorrow I may die my shell small pink and finally at peace. But today I live and I remember. So many deaths, too many even now the pain too great to do more than gently probe. So few great loves but enough to make me smile and be thankful. So much laughter the physical memories of which now crinkle at my eyes. So lucky to not know, and not be in need. So blessed to be a mum. So little time but so happy to have lived as I did and will.

that was too easy 100 words is about all i have time to do.

Now it’s your turn.

Describe your entire life in a single paragraph of 100 words. No more than 100 and no less than 100. It must be exactly 100 words