Category Archives: scattergories

“The” DE post.

So here we are, at long last I finally get my A into G and finish off my Donor Egg post. Before I go back and scratch out everything I’ve written and rewrite it I just want to say, that these are MY feelings on the matter. If they don’t match yours well that’s fine too, I am not writing this to seek permission for how I feel, but to give another opinion on what is an incredible option for family building.

Once upon a time in a land not unlike this one, I had my I want a family meltdown. Hairy being the uber sweetheart that he is said “ok” and off we went. From word go we knew we’d need IVF with ICSI. Thank you  vasectomy that seemed like a good idea at the time. Not to get side tracked we started our cycling.

I responded like a champ with eggs retrieved by the dozens. A normal retrieval would yield between 16-28 eggs. Fert rates were none too shabby either, always sitting around the 85% mark. But and here it starts to relate to age, our Day3 haul was usually around 25% drop that down to 10% for a Day5 try. My eggs were shit. 18cycles worth of shit in fact.

Every RE we saw, and oh yes we clinic hopped 4 clinics 5 RE’s all said the same thing. Jen you produce a lot of eggs it’s a numbers game. Stay in the game long enough and we’ll hit the jackpot. Like a fool I listened, even when my heart and head were saying, Run run away try DE this cycling with my eggs is an expensive time intensive joke.

Eventually having had enough of the merry-go-round I said Enough is enough. Time to move on. Our choices were childfree or Donor Egg. Hairy was right beside me and would have happily supported my decision either way. I chose donor egg, stating it was to be only one go round, just to end this ride and resume our lives. I needed closure. We needed closure.

In Australia unlike many countries, Donors are not paid for giving up their eggs. At all. Yes we pay for the cycle and any out of pocket the donor may incur, but there is no fee to be paid to the women who do this. That is all to say that donors are generally found amongst friends and family, who else would do this for another woman for no profit? My donor was a friend R. I’d known her about 4 years at that point and she offered, I couldn’t ask anyone directly for their eggs. I spoke with another friend N and said that this was something we’d have to do if we were to have a hope of having a child. My friend N did my leg work for me without me knowing. I was lucky enough to have 2 offers come seemingly out of the blue.

R contacted me and offered me her eggs, at that point in time I wasn’t ready so I put it all on hold. 6 months later I contacted R and asked if she still felt willing to donate. She did and we started the donor dance. I traveled out of state and Hairy flew up for his bit and returned home the next day. 12eggs 10fertilised. 8 were perfect on Day2.

I did my best to talk my RE into transferring 3 embryos. No go, he relented enough to allow me 2. Both took. Am I thankful we didn’t transfer 3? You bet.

I was ill very very ill during the 2ww and ended up in hospital having gained 17kilo in just under 10days. I found out I had 2 ute dwellers at 11 Days past Ovulation when a high res ultrasound was done (sometimes I take out that film and just look at the 2 black blobs and it’s awe inspiring). I had a LOT of tests to find where the fluid was coming from. A pos beta put a stop to the more invasive and dangerous testing.

From the moment my pos beta number was given to me, these were my babies. I spent 5 months on bedrest, My body gained more fluid, I gave up having toes and legs at around 4 months. I took drugs to stop contractions from week 20 onwards. I was checked regularly by my OB and did my best to grow my babies for as long as possible. When they were born early  by emergency C/Section and I was released home, I was only here to shower and change clothes the rest of my time was spent in the NICU and later the SCN. I slept under sufferance and only because it was “good for my milk supply” my reason for breathing was to be with my babies and be there for them.

For me, Donor egg can be likened to donating blood. I have given blood and I’ve received blood, doesn’t mean I am someone else’s daughter/sister/mother, and does not make the person who has received my blood anything to me. I am alive because of that blood still doesn’t change the fact that I am my mothers daughter/brother’s sister etc.  A few cells were given to me by a friend, 2 babies resulted (lets not address the frozens in this post) they are my babies. They do not share my DNA but apparently portions of their DNA can be found in my blood. DNA is to me a bunch of numbers dots and dashes on a pretty graph. It does not define me as a mother and does not take away from the fact that these two blobbies are my babies in every sense of the word.

I read, when I have time, blogs by other DE mums, and at times, I am honestly sickened by phrases like “I still long to have MY BABIES” as tho the little lives they are raising are somehow inferior models. Part of me wonders if having such easy access to donor eggs is a bad thing. For years I knew my eggs were crap but we had no other option but to use them, 12 months of yakking with R before retrieval day gave me plenty of time to sort out any lingering doubts I may have had. And brutal honesty between Hairy and me when we spoke of this cycle ironed out the what ifs.

If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now I wouldn’t change a thing. These are my babies, my son and my daughter, giving birth to them was a bonus I honestly didn’t think I’d ever get. As I said a hail mary cycle and we got lucky real lucky.

The only time I think about their origins as donor eggs is when I speak with other DE women and that isn’t often at all. I look at these 4 blue eyes and chubby bubba bodies and hand on heart swear there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my babies. MY babies.

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100 words

Teendoc via A woman my age has set a challenge write your life in 100 words.

Yesterday, I was born small pink and angry. Tomorrow I may die my shell small pink and finally at peace. But today I live and I remember. So many deaths, too many even now the pain too great to do more than gently probe. So few great loves but enough to make me smile and be thankful. So much laughter the physical memories of which now crinkle at my eyes. So lucky to not know, and not be in need. So blessed to be a mum. So little time but so happy to have lived as I did and will.

that was too easy 100 words is about all i have time to do.

Now it’s your turn.

Describe your entire life in a single paragraph of 100 words. No more than 100 and no less than 100. It must be exactly 100 words

well hello 09

so much for my assertion that i can indeed write here once a week. oh how i kid.

not long after my last post I headed north for the christmas season. that was fun it was HUGE fun watching the terror in peoples faces as we approached the various boarding gates. that fear that screams so loudly ” oh please gawd don’t sit next to me” but as luck would have it, we ended up with 2 rows of seats on all flights. handy, the blobbies could stretch out across 2 seats each and sleep. they did amazingly well. feed at take off sleep 3 hours wake to watch a little inflight entertainment feed to land.

and now it’ s 2009 seems like only last week it was the start of 08 and i was gearing up for our donor egg cycle. panicking about accommodation and B getting to the clinic in time for his aspiration. I did however get to enjoy my first hit of valium the day L went in for pickup. can’t say it was brilliant but it did calm me down a little. I’m not going to relive all of 08, my pregnancy was hard and high risk nuff said. the end result is currently sleeping (cough more like being quiet) in their cots after feasting on warm milk for  brekky. so all is well that ends well hey.

I have no new years resos the baby weight i’m carrying is for now fine by me. I’d like to lose it but not at the expense of spending a fortune at a gym. going for walks with the blobbies may work hell they are heavy buggers to push uphill. but if it doesn’t no biggy.

I don’t have a hell of a lot to talk about christmas was great, being away from home was great, the blobbies are fantastically great, life is moving along quite nicely without my constant supervision (who knew?)

I want more blobbies holy cow i would have a paddock full of them if it were possible, I’m currently convincing myself that the doctors are right having another pg is not for me. but man i look at two  blue eyed blobbies growing ever more alert and interactive and i want to bonsai them, keep them small and needing me. i don’t want them to grow up, as much as i love seeing their growth spurts and milestones reached i want them to stay tiny. they are now in 00 size a far cry from the 000000 (that is 6×0) onsies we brought them home in.

doodyblob is weighing in at a respectful 7kilo and bellablob is not far behind at 6.2kilo. both are long babes and even at actual age are sitting at 50% with adjusted age whacking them up into the 98% and 95%s they are perfect, more than perfect they are blobbie!

sleep has resolved itself for the most part with days being spent pretty much awake aside from a cat nap or two after a feed and nights being asleep at 8pm and waking for a feed at 7am. dont get cranky they still wake for dummy (pacfi) replacements etc. so it’s not a solid sleep by any stretch

They have cut out 2 feeds the 11pm and the 3am, so are only getting 4 feeds a day but lets just say they are big feeds maxing out the bottles. i did spend time fretting about this are they not getting enough to eat? should i try and force them into more feeds a day? then i thought fuck it they’d not sleep if they were hungry and they are growing so well it’s not an issue.

Saw our doc last week and he’s pushing us to start the blobbies on solids apparently they are ready … um hello… I’M not ready, not ready to give up the tiny bubba stage but i’m slowly coming to terms that this isn’t about me and never was. Seems to be a strong swing into starting solids at 4months again no longer waiting until 6 months. why? i can rationalise it when it comes to others when the bubs is ready so bit but, but, but, for me i’m having a hard time, so come the end of the month we’ll introduce rice cereal by then they’ll be over their 4mth shots (yup we’re late again i play the premmie card all the time).

and my time is up bellablob is demanding a change of scenery so into the swing she’ll go

hope you all had a great festive season and a great new years.

santa-blobbiesquick end note, see my serious little doodyblob?  guess what pressie he was leaving santa with as this pic was taken….

PS. i don’t have any email addys since i redid this computer  so anti up ladies, email me at jenstoy at gmail. com *sigh* yes that means you too dino.

time flies when you’re…

so many things, up to your armpits in pint sized clothing. sleep deprived. realising that it’s been a month since the last leg harvest session, having the time of your life getting to know 2 wonderful little people. I like the last one the most. Now for my real thoughts.

Blogging, I used to get annoyed when someone I followed fell off the face of the blogosphere when they hit the jackpot. Now I understand why they did. Time isn’t my friend the rare snippets of time I get to myself I either shower, harvest the latest leg crop or catch up on blogs via bloglines.  Sorry I don’t comment as often as I’d like too  I have soooo many posts  marked keep new, for later commenting that it’s getting a tad ridiculous in there. I also feel bad for 2 other things, 1st if you password your pages I don’t visit, no time to click over remember a password read and comment, tho I’m sure you live quite happily without my imput 🙂 2nd My beautiful blog is feeling neglected I have dozens of posts floating around in my head but again lack of time means they stay as  floaters. I can’t do much about the first thing but I can do something about the 2nd, I have set a new goal for myself, 1 post a week 2 if I get extra time. oh I kill me!

Blobbies, are perfection personified. they are now 13.5 weeks old (or if you prefer 1month adjusted) I marvel at these little people every day. they are now smiling and starting to laugh. They crack me up. My life is so much sweeter for their presence in it. Even now when they are feeling the effects of their vaccinations in a not so pleasant way, I adore how they hold onto me and find a smile amidst the tears just for me. ok and for hairy too but that doesn’t count coz he’s holding the smiler at the time.

Blogosphere and my place in it. A funny thought came to me a couple of days ago when I was composing a post in my head, during a late night feed, where do I fit in? I’m not cycling or intending too (oh how I wish I could have more blobbies tho) I’m not really a mommy/mummy blog yet and many of the other DE blogs out there just annoy me stupid (thats a whole post just there) so where do I fit in? I’m having an issue trying to define this blog, should it keep going and I’d like it too, I need to work that out.

Balls. about sums it up, my mini break is over and it’s time to get the blobbies up and fed.

Disjointed drivel

ahhhh to have a net connection that works is there anything better? well yeah there are plenty of things better and i have two of them sleeping in their room right now.

Along with the new net connection that isn’t dial up that goes at the speed of a snail on ludes and refuses to send emails or load even my google start page there have been a lot of happenings around here. what to burble about first?

The blobbies are doing great, both are gaining weight and doing all the things tiny bubbas do, ie pooping eating and sleeping. They amaze me, I find myself looking at them sleep and I can’t help but wonder how we got so lucky. There have been nights when our girl has kept me awake all night (she has silent reflux) and i wander the house with her in my arms feeling her little chest rise and fall against mine and the tired arms and aching legs melt away and I know I wouldn’t swap a moment of this time with her. YES i wish she didn’t have to go thru this but in every other way she is beyond perfect. Our boy is the opposite of her, he sleeps deep the lil chunky monkey eats in his sleep, ok he’s awake but he’s happy to snooze between burps. he is so so blonde it’s hard to get a pic of him where he doesnt look bald.

They have their check up this week coming with our pead, I’m not worried at all, hell i always gnaw my fingers to the bone. Up until thursday I didn’t have a single concern with them having been prems, not a one as they are growing and meeting all targets so why spoil my time with them worrying about things that may not come to pass? but then a letter arrived our boy has an appointment with the pead eye specialist at the end of the month since he was on cpap for 24 hours and 4 days of antibiotics they want to make sure it hasn’t affected his vision. Now see! exactly! you just know i’m obsessing about it. i look into his blue eyes and try to figure out if he can see me, i try to make him track a toy which is hit and miss and yes i know he’s young so i can’t use that as a guide. my boy is perfect.

They fill my heart to bursting all those years and all the heartache that came before has been worth it.

Embryos, what do we do with our frosties? since the blobbies came home a couple of weeks ago, I’ve thought long and hard about what to do with the ones on ice. I want to donate them Hairy wants to donate them, so we’ll donate them to another couple. But to who? neither of us feels the need to be an active participant in the lives of any children that may be born and don’t want to be a part of that/those lives. but we want to know they will have a good home with good parents and (this is the important bit) that the kids know they are from donor embryo, because they will have full siblings out here and there are a ton of issues that brings with it, not nec bad issues but who knows what the future will bring hey.

Moving, has been hell we still havn’t unpacked, hell we have more important things to occupy our time. I just wish there was an unpacking fairy that would unpack my clothes and dig out my in between size ones so i have more to wear than the handful of pg clothes that sorta pass for lose summery shit.

A big shock came yesterday when i realised (yeah i’m slow) there isn’t a bookcase here, thats a min of 6 packing crates i don’t have to unpack but where do i store them? I love me some book. i have read them all some more than twice but i can’t quite bear to part with them, sorta wonder if i toss some moth balls into the boxes will that protect them enough if i put them in the garage?

speaking of clothes i have to pack up my maternity stuff and do something with it i wont be wearing it again. some still have tags on them, like the mat bras i bought and havn’t been able to use since my milk never came in properly (even with the aide of drugs i only ever got a max of 50-60mls a day) naturally i didn’t keep receipts so can’t exchange and since i got huger than huge i have a range of sizes heres a clue, i had to get size 24 shirts in the last month just to fit over my belly and let me be pseudo decent for trips to the doc.

well feeding time at the zoo has arrived so i’m out of here to go work out who can wait and who needs feeding now now NOW! my guess is Isabella she’s a tad impatient and very vocal about letting us know she is waiting and not amused good thing Jack is happy to hang out and snooze for a bit longer huh.

did i mention the blobbies are perfect?

Still breathing still dancing

tho I must admit it’s not exactly comfortable. back to that later.

The blobs are doing great, the nifi is keeping the contractions to a minimum now that we’ve doubled the dose and my ob has re-reviewed his opinion and thinks we’ll breeze in my first real hurdle of 26 weeks. Instead he’s thinking we’ll go past 30, music to my ears! how much past remains to be seen but hey I’ll take every extra day i can.

The old cervix well she’s doing good too holding tight with no change from last week. if i could I’d do a jig but hey i get puffed having a shower so the chances of me doing anything so energetic is slim to none.

Had to snortle was updating doc on the new and wonderful side effects I’ve been having, all are normal. when he pipes up with, “oh the nifi may cause your hands and feet to swell”. um hello still carrying around an extra 10 kilo of fluid from the start of this pregnancy aint no way I’m going to notice a little extra extremity swelling.

I’ve read volumes on pregnancy what to expect when to expect it all that good stuff, what none of the books tell you is the indignities that go along with every extra month gained. my newest can’t do for myself is, cutting my toenails. Hairy has been great and shaves my legs etc now he’s put to work trimming the footal claws too. I feel for him i really do, poor bastid does it all with good grace too, i highly doubt i’d be so pleasant about it if roles were reversed.

So thats my update another week down 8 more to go (8 being my magic number if i can get to there who knows how far i can go)

Not so great

Friday I went off to see my Ob, contractions had started. I wasn’t overly worried I know from reading online that twins tend to set the pace a little early on that score. I did get Nifedipine which is meant to conteract the contractions. I’m in wait and see mode there just quietly.

The not so great news is that it appears I have Polyhydramnios (hydrops) this is excess amniotic fluid. A lot of multiples have this but never one to merely stick to the norm, I’ve got it bad and it’s affecting both blobs. PTL and PPROM are the most likely outcomes at this stage.

I have an appointment on thursday for an indepth scan to see whats going on, depending on the finding I’ll be having the excess removed (similar process to having an amnio for testing purposes)

Not up to writing more I have to go back to bed and get horizontal again, just wanted to get this up so that next time i’m up and about I can add the common causes / outcomes etc.