laying in a nice warm cozy bed, listening to the blobbies chatter and squeal over the monitor. “ahhhh life is good” says I. (it always starts that way huh)
sounds of LOUD banging clattering and scraping “arsehole (neighbour) your home improvements suck” mutters I, briefy consider getting dressed for the day decide the blobbies wont wait that long and just toss on a bathrobe.
wander into the blobbies room
“hello my precious girl hello my beautiful boy”
squeals laughs and raspberrys greet my appearance
“i love mornings” i coo and smile at the blobs more sounds from outside.
holy shit that sounds like the dogs.
FARRRRRRRRRRRRKING PRICK OF A FARKING FENCE
“hang on babies back in a minute” sounds of happy squeals turn into sounds of angry how dare you leave me screams times two.
check out the back NO dogs.
check out the side NO dogs
check out the front. fuck!!
“sam beej come here” “fuck this grass is cold”
“saaaaaaaaaaaam get your black arse back here you little bitch” this is while she’s romping yes romping around the nature strip (grass verge beside the road)
“SAM HERE” dutifully if not sulkily she returns to me, now the dilemma do i let her go to get beej or do i continue to freeze my feet on the grass and wonder? toss sam almost bodily into the garage “don’t bloody wag your body at me missy” (female rottie no tail so does the whole body wag to compensate)
“beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeej here boy commere buttbreath”
“beeej here boy”
“you deaf shithead OVER HERE”
“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEJ HERE NOW” drag him over to the garage, carefactor for slobber minimal my feet hurt they are so cold, man handle him inside and lock the door.
sounds of screams now at levels that could deafen a rock greet my return indoors
“come on missymoo nappy change time don’t you look lovely in your jammies” she stops screaming long enough to smile at me. nappy change for bellabirdy and back into her jammies its cold this morning get her set up with her bottle and off i go to tackle wonderbum er boy
“jackyboy my little love muffin your turn” “no jacky put the wipes down” “jackyman let the strap (device for holding blobbies to the changetable) go… no… let….it….go. jacky please. LET GO OF MY HAIR.. wow you’re a porker my boy”
back broken from picking up jackyblob who was doing his impersonation of a blue whale.
get jacky set up with his brekky bottle
take bellablobs bottle off her, burp her and return her to the bouncer
breathe in and out a few times, look down notice i’m covered in dog slobber/hair and mud. go change into another robe, phone Hairy tell him to bring wood home so the fucking side fence gate can be nailed shut.
get the blobbies farax ready jacky’s finished his milk burped and reclining in his bouncer.
“open up little birdy” good girl”
“jacky let go of the spoon”
“fine i’ll get another spoon” jacky proceeds to blow raspberries at the end of each mouthful, farax drool going everywhere
bellablob just eats nicely and doesnt get to wear her brekky burp and wipe up, time for nappies again pick up bellabird off we go nappy done, and into cot for a nap pick up jackyboy
“jackyman you’ve spilt your milk again your pants are soaked”
“dammit” never mind we do change hey” jacky let.go.of.my.hair. rinse repeat with nappy wipes/straps/bibs/hair/belt anything he can grab he does.
“HOLY MOTHER OF GOD” poo blow out sweet lord jackman you rotter! poo is everywhere up his back down his legs in his socks on his hands… gag… fuck on his hands.. get him cleaned up can’t find pants for him so in he goes into bella’s pink tracky pants
“i’m comfortable in your masculinity jackyboy men can wear pink”
lay him down for a nap and go search out poo marks elsewhere bouncer now sporting poo marks strip it throw it in the wash and raise hand to push hair back from my face you guessed it poo hair! what numbnuts ever said i love mornings? gonna bitchslap that cow i tell ya.
now i’m breathing in and out hair drying and wondering what else can go wrong today.
still wouldn’t change my life for the world but i could do without the poosplosions and renegade dogs.