“The” DE post.

So here we are, at long last I finally get my A into G and finish off my Donor Egg post. Before I go back and scratch out everything I’ve written and rewrite it I just want to say, that these are MY feelings on the matter. If they don’t match yours well that’s fine too, I am not writing this to seek permission for how I feel, but to give another opinion on what is an incredible option for family building.

Once upon a time in a land not unlike this one, I had my I want a family meltdown. Hairy being the uber sweetheart that he is said “ok” and off we went. From word go we knew we’d need IVF with ICSI. Thank you  vasectomy that seemed like a good idea at the time. Not to get side tracked we started our cycling.

I responded like a champ with eggs retrieved by the dozens. A normal retrieval would yield between 16-28 eggs. Fert rates were none too shabby either, always sitting around the 85% mark. But and here it starts to relate to age, our Day3 haul was usually around 25% drop that down to 10% for a Day5 try. My eggs were shit. 18cycles worth of shit in fact.

Every RE we saw, and oh yes we clinic hopped 4 clinics 5 RE’s all said the same thing. Jen you produce a lot of eggs it’s a numbers game. Stay in the game long enough and we’ll hit the jackpot. Like a fool I listened, even when my heart and head were saying, Run run away try DE this cycling with my eggs is an expensive time intensive joke.

Eventually having had enough of the merry-go-round I said Enough is enough. Time to move on. Our choices were childfree or Donor Egg. Hairy was right beside me and would have happily supported my decision either way. I chose donor egg, stating it was to be only one go round, just to end this ride and resume our lives. I needed closure. We needed closure.

In Australia unlike many countries, Donors are not paid for giving up their eggs. At all. Yes we pay for the cycle and any out of pocket the donor may incur, but there is no fee to be paid to the women who do this. That is all to say that donors are generally found amongst friends and family, who else would do this for another woman for no profit? My donor was a friend R. I’d known her about 4 years at that point and she offered, I couldn’t ask anyone directly for their eggs. I spoke with another friend N and said that this was something we’d have to do if we were to have a hope of having a child. My friend N did my leg work for me without me knowing. I was lucky enough to have 2 offers come seemingly out of the blue.

R contacted me and offered me her eggs, at that point in time I wasn’t ready so I put it all on hold. 6 months later I contacted R and asked if she still felt willing to donate. She did and we started the donor dance. I traveled out of state and Hairy flew up for his bit and returned home the next day. 12eggs 10fertilised. 8 were perfect on Day2.

I did my best to talk my RE into transferring 3 embryos. No go, he relented enough to allow me 2. Both took. Am I thankful we didn’t transfer 3? You bet.

I was ill very very ill during the 2ww and ended up in hospital having gained 17kilo in just under 10days. I found out I had 2 ute dwellers at 11 Days past Ovulation when a high res ultrasound was done (sometimes I take out that film and just look at the 2 black blobs and it’s awe inspiring). I had a LOT of tests to find where the fluid was coming from. A pos beta put a stop to the more invasive and dangerous testing.

From the moment my pos beta number was given to me, these were my babies. I spent 5 months on bedrest, My body gained more fluid, I gave up having toes and legs at around 4 months. I took drugs to stop contractions from week 20 onwards. I was checked regularly by my OB and did my best to grow my babies for as long as possible. When they were born early  by emergency C/Section and I was released home, I was only here to shower and change clothes the rest of my time was spent in the NICU and later the SCN. I slept under sufferance and only because it was “good for my milk supply” my reason for breathing was to be with my babies and be there for them.

For me, Donor egg can be likened to donating blood. I have given blood and I’ve received blood, doesn’t mean I am someone else’s daughter/sister/mother, and does not make the person who has received my blood anything to me. I am alive because of that blood still doesn’t change the fact that I am my mothers daughter/brother’s sister etc.  A few cells were given to me by a friend, 2 babies resulted (lets not address the frozens in this post) they are my babies. They do not share my DNA but apparently portions of their DNA can be found in my blood. DNA is to me a bunch of numbers dots and dashes on a pretty graph. It does not define me as a mother and does not take away from the fact that these two blobbies are my babies in every sense of the word.

I read, when I have time, blogs by other DE mums, and at times, I am honestly sickened by phrases like “I still long to have MY BABIES” as tho the little lives they are raising are somehow inferior models. Part of me wonders if having such easy access to donor eggs is a bad thing. For years I knew my eggs were crap but we had no other option but to use them, 12 months of yakking with R before retrieval day gave me plenty of time to sort out any lingering doubts I may have had. And brutal honesty between Hairy and me when we spoke of this cycle ironed out the what ifs.

If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now I wouldn’t change a thing. These are my babies, my son and my daughter, giving birth to them was a bonus I honestly didn’t think I’d ever get. As I said a hail mary cycle and we got lucky real lucky.

The only time I think about their origins as donor eggs is when I speak with other DE women and that isn’t often at all. I look at these 4 blue eyes and chubby bubba bodies and hand on heart swear there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my babies. MY babies.

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6 responses to ““The” DE post.

  1. I give you permission to feel this way.

    Oh wait, you didn’t want permission? What the???

    Do you ever stop by DD’s blog (TKO AKA PunchDrunk)? I think she feels pretty much the same way that you do (her daughter came about with DE).

    And I don’t spend a lot of time thinking that my daughter came from my eggs or that my son did or that I came from my mother’s and so on. Seems fairly inconsequential although I still don’t know how my sister and I can possibly be related (genetically or otherwise).

    Anyway, I have a new baby (can you spell Lenovo? – well obviously you can). And I spend no time thinking about it’s genesis in China.

    So… anything else you want to know?

    Love to your (YOUR) blobbies.

    DinoD

  2. yup. is this what i have to do? post on my blog so that i hear from you? you never call you never write. my god woman we could be married. oh and yeah how is ya lovely?

  3. Short story (and yes, a post always draws me out) – husband is on antibiotics, son is home from school with cough from hell, daughter is not eating and has had fevers off and on for the last 6 days and I am now running a temperature as well. Duaghter is supposed to be going part-days to daycare so that I can actually eventually leave her instead of perching on a one foot high chair while fending off small children with requests to read to them. Son is devastated that he may miss the “fairy tale tea” tomorrow where he was supposed to narrate Cinderella. Husband is still stressed about losing his job and missing a lot of work this week hasn’t helped (cue son coughing in background as I type this). Daughter is generally grouchy and out of sorts.
    Does this about cover it?
    And yeah, we’ll all be fine by next week so it’s really not that big a deal but makes for rather a boring email, no?
    When do we get more pictures?
    DinoD

  4. you don’t sit on small chairs and read to me :hairflick: what am i? chopped liver?

    pre-blobbies I didn’t really give winter much thought, since we’re heading into it now I’m starting to rethink my season apathy. not looking forward to the winter induced bugs/colds/coughs.

    sorry to hear your family is unwell, roll on spring/summer. guess it’s too late to trade them in on healthy models yeah? I’m with son of dino tho, poor lil bugger I’d be crushed if my big moment was taken away. give him a snot free smooh for me.

    boring emails are always welcome you know, not like i have anything earth shattering to yak about. in fact i’ll prove it and send off an email later today.

    new photos up here maybe later this week or next week, they are both going thru a face pulling /rolling over at the last minute / moving at the speed of light as soon as i press the shutter button phase, so getting clear shots of them is well a bit like making me look good in a photo, next to impossible.

    but of course they are simply divine and you are pining away for blurry blobbie shots I know.

  5. I too am a member of the crap eggs club. Donor eggs seemed the only hope for us and I was happy to just have a chance so I really could not have cared less that I would not be biologically related to my child. My daughter will be 2 in a few months and I cannot imagine a life without her, there is no way I could possibly love her more. Like you, my thoughts about the egg donor are infrequent and fleeting. I am thankful for what she did but don’t feel like she’s connected to my daughter in any way.

  6. Jen, you hold a great court here: both Dino and Suzanne. Without a question, two of my fave people in the world (or at least N. America).

    I actually think about my donor a lot because my daughter is so beautiful. I, on the other hand, and you can get confirmation from Dino, am a scabby troll. But ZGirl is mine, ALL mine, and I will do whatever I can to make sure that ZGirl understands how she came to us and that she is no less a “child of mine” than my son.

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